Poem of the Month:

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build’em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

If by Rudyard Kipling

Entry One Hundred Four:

Every month I experience new adventures. This month I encountered someone that made me question whether I wanted to continue at my place of work because of how terrible she made me feel. I took some time to think and realized that I couldn’t let one person affect me so deeply I would leave a job that I felt I was making an impact, even though I’m not appreciated as much as I deserve but that’s life. I don’t believe anyone truly gets the praise they deserve.

I think it’s important to stand up for yourself but balance that with picking your battles carefully. I realized that sometimes people start problems with others because they want to be heard, but don’t realize that they don’t need to treat someone unfairly just because they need to vent. I have learned time and time again that picking your battles is crucial and that silence is definitely golden. If I had spoken the words on my mind, the issue would have grown larger than necessary.

Sometimes it is wise to stand up for yourself by not continuing the confrontation. Sometimes the best course of action is letting the person speaking without interruption because some people don’t know how to be wrong, some people don’t know how to apologize, even if they don’t think they did anything wrong. I was temporarily distressed and I’m grateful I didn’t act out on that distress because it’s difficult to solve problems when in emotion mind.

Poem of the Month:

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but do not quit.

Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit-
It’s when things go wrong that you must not quit.

Don’t Quit by Anonymous

Poem of the Month

A doubt if it be US
Assists the staggering Mind
In an extremer Anguish
Until it footing find.

An Unreality is lent,
A merciful mirage
That makes the living possible
While it suspends the lives.

by Emily Dickinson

Entry Seventy-Two:

Every time I have a bad day, I try to keep things in perspective. Sometimes when I’m feeling disappointed with myself, I try to remind myself of the times I got it right. I have a hard time not being hard on myself. I struggle with it because I’m a perfectionist. This week has been hard on me for a number of reasons. One of these reasons is that I have been dealing with the emotional roller coaster that is the menstrual cycle and I’m usually a pro at it. Unfortunately, I was caught off guard and none of my usual tactics helped address the situations I found myself in. I figured things out when I had a clearer head, but in the moment I struggled.

I went on a small hike with my significant other. Walks are great stress relievers and it helped clear my mind. I was on edge when I left work, but once I implemented this plan I had created for myself, I felt instantly better. There are times when I have to self-soothe as I did during my walk, but prior to that I had to give logic its moment to exist. Sometimes it’s not about blending emotion mind and reasonable mind together. Sometimes it’s about giving each its time and space then proceeding from there. I didn’t know you could do that. I knew it was possible, but I’m still stuck on this idea that there’s a right way to implement DBT and a wrong way, not realizing that implementation isn’t about right or wrong, but about being effective.

Entry Seventy:

I’ve learned a lot this past week and a half. I have learned that some people need someone to blame to feel more in control of their lives, even if this is a false sense of control and the fact that many things in life have nothing to do with blame. I have learned that some people are unreliable regardless of how many opportunities you give them to be there for you. The best thing to do is to provide for yourself and let the rest fall into place. People make choices and we might not like them, but we must respect them because that is a good way of respecting the person. It’s ideal for this respect to be reciprocal, but if it’s not then at least you can rest easy knowing you are being the best version of yourself that you can be at the time.

I have learned a lot about patience. It’s important to have an overabundance of it because it comes in handy during times of crisis. I have learned so much about asking for help. Growing up my mother drilled into me the importance of self-reliance and while there’s nothing wrong with that sometimes we need some help. We can’t do everything alone. Asking for help when you legitimately need it isn’t a sign of a weakness, it’s a sign of strength that you are able to recognize that something isn’t your forte, isn’t something you know or isn’t something you’ve ever done before.

Above all I have learned to live and let go of emotions that don’t help me reach my goals.

Entry Forty-Eight:

This week has been interesting. It has been a strange combination of people being helpful and kind towards one another and people not thinking things through before doing things – with good and bad results, but I won’t get into that since it’s not important. I’ve been observing my surroundings, especially the people around me and realize that people are at different parts of their personal journeys. I know we all have our bad days, our good days, our busy days, our lazy days, etc. It’s still interesting to see how we interact in these different scenarios.

It hasn’t been difficult to deal with people this week. However, I have been thinking about how I can improve my people skills. I have been keeping myself grounded using wise mind and mindfulness. It’s easy to stay present when using these skills because they keep your mind firmly on the present and it shuts down any rumination that I may entertain. I have felt annoyed by a few people because they don’t lead by example. I’m trying to be realistic in my expectation of others and regardless I find myself disenchanted and annoyed by people not measuring up.

At the end of the day I realize that I need to do the best I can with the resources available. Ask for help when needed, but otherwise rely on myself to get things done the way I want them to be. Lately there has been some random door slamming and other loud crashes at home. It puts me on edge even though I know it has nothing to do with me and I know I did nothing wrong. It creates anxiety in me and makes me want to cry sometimes. I don’t know if this is due to the bad memories I have from the past but I need to get a hold of myself and deal with it. I need to self soothe and stay away from the commotion as much as possible. Maybe it’s time to sleepover someone house for a day to get a break from the random disruptions to my mellow demeanor as of late.

Entry Forty-Five:

Depressive episodes aren’t easy to deal with. They can come on quickly and leave you feeling like you’ve been put through the wringer. I dislike that analogy but nothing adequately expresses the way depression zaps you of your energy, motivation and appreciation for life. I know that everyone experiences depression in their own way and I’m sure there are better ways of describing depression, but the previous statement expresses how I’ve felt depression in the past.

After years of observing and talking to different people I’ve come to the conclusion that people will do whatever it takes to avoid facing their feelings. People will try to drink their sorrow away. People will work nonstop so they won’t have any time to think about anything else. People will eat to cope with their feelings. One of the hardest things to do is to acknowledge and accept our feelings because doing that is opening ourselves up to not only growth but also pain. It also forces us to really look at ourselves. Some people can look at themselves and be okay with what they see, but others can’t for a variety of reasons. Why open yourself to the possibility of uncomfortable feelings?

Every emotion serves a purpose. I know I’ve stated this before but I think it bears repeating. I get caught up in the emotion I’m feeling that I forget that emotions love themselves. They will do whatever it takes to keep themselves alive. What I need to do is feel them and let them go. I spent so many years of my life being controlled by my emotions. I let them run my life. In some instances it worked out in my favor and protected me from harm, but in other situations it closed some important doors for me. I need to remember that and come to decision using wise mind because it’s the perfect mix of logic and emotion.

This weekend wasn’t particularly easy. I opened up to someone I care for deeply about a topic that’s very sensitive for me and it was of the utmost importance for me to do that. I am invested in this relationship and when you invest in something or someone you want to be genuine so you can live authentically. After everything that’s happened recently I firmly believe I’ve managed to live up to that and I can just hope I continue to nourish myself and my relationships so that my mental illnesses have less situations, concerns, etc to fuel it.

Entry Thirty-Seven:

I have learned two things this week. First, I learned that we all grow accustomed to living our lives a certain way and this includes having people in our lives that we care about. When they are gone, even momentarily, you learn how much someone or something means to you and more importantly you learn the impact it has in your life, what it adds to it.

The next lesson I learned this week is that putting in the work necessary does eventually lead to the rewards. Sometimes it’s not about how much work you put in, but about being consistent and patient while waiting for the results. I know I struggle with this often because while I have often been patient sometimes I’m uncertain regarding how much longer a wait I should anticipate.

This week has been very busy but productive and somehow relaxing. I’ve managed to put things into perspective as needed, have given myself breaks as things come along and have managed to be kind to myself – understanding of my mistakes (both past and present). These are very good steps in the right direction. If I continue to learn how to cultivate compassion towards myself then I’ll be successfully manage my mental health. I read an insightful article about this recently and continue to research this topic because it’s important to me.

Entry Thirty-Two:

Gratitude is one of the biggest I have learned in my life thus far. Growing up I had some concept of what it meant but it wasn’t until I experience heartbreak and loss that I realize how important it is to appreciate the things you have while you have them. I have learned the true value of family, friendship, love, honesty, hard work, discipline and education. I have learned how to balance out my wants with my needs because both have their place in my life, but I have to negotiate their space.

I spend a lot of my time discussing various problems that arise throughout my life and I haven’t taken the moment to focus on what I have going for me. I haven’t taken the time to appreciate or at least express more appreciation than I previously have, so this entry is for this very purpose. I focus my energy on problem solving, but I know that I have hope and this entry is to focus on that.

I am grateful for the times I felt pain because it allowed me to know I have compassion and know what pain feels like so I don’t ever make someone feel that way. I am grateful for the opportunities presented in my life and the ones that fell through because it taught me about taking risks and how to negotiate whether or not something is right for now. I’m not perfect at it but definitely improving. I’m grateful for the people currently in my life, those who were in my life but are no longer around and the people I have yet to meet who will also make an impact. I know who I am and I continue to be shaped by my experiences into a thoughtful, empathetic person. Once I manage my mental illness fully without having that slow return to emotional baseline then I’ll see a big change in me. I’m getting pretty close and I accept that it may not be what I’d like it to be.

So all in all I’m just grateful for everything from the bed I’m sleeping on to the family I was born into and everything in between. I know what it feels like to go without. I know what it feels like to be alone and I’m grateful that I’ve come to terms with a lot of the pain I experienced early in life. I am grateful because everything I went through made me who I am today – for better or worse.