Entry Twenty-One:

As the saying goes, “All good things must come to an end.” A week ago I ended a relationship of three years and while it was an extremely difficult decision to make, I knew it was the right thing to do. My significant other and I no longer walked along the same path in life nor did we provide each other with the things we needed to continue to nourish the relationship. For months I fought the idea that our relationship ran its course and that we finished helping each other learn the lessons our time together brought up. It was painful to realize and admit to myself that we no longer had a place in each others’ lives. We still love and care about each other, but we were living separate lives for months and the distance wasn’t helping us keep the chemistry going.

This situation gave me some insight into what my ex went through when he broke up with me years ago. It doesn’t by any means excuse the behavior he engaged in prior to the dissolution, but it does explain a lot. I learned from my ex’s mistakes and handled this break, which dignity and respect. It is important to think about how you’re going to make the other person feel. Yes, they’re going to be hurt by your actions, but it is better for the person to know the truth and be let down gently than to be lied to and led to believe they did nothing wrong. Some people try to spare other people’s feelings by saying, “It’s not you, it’s me” when they know damn well that’s a lie. I would rather be honest and also take responsibility for the things I did wrong in the relationship. This will demonstrate to the person that I don’t fully blame them for the things that went wrong and that I acknowledge my own mistakes. When it comes to love and ending relationships it’s better to be tactful about it because you never know what your actions can do to others and it’s important to remember to treat others how you would like to be treated.

Mentally I created a list of pros and cons about the relationship and after I was done I gave myself a deadline by which I would come to a conclusion about the relationship. I used my mindfulness skills the most afterwards because I knew that the interpersonal skills got me to where I needed to be but ultimately the decision would come from the clarity that only wise mind can bring me. I observed the situation I was in, described it to myself and ultimately participated fully in it to see if this relationship was something that was hindering me or working with me. At times I strayed because I continued to focus on the other person’s feelings and like I mentioned already it’s important to be respectful. The thing I needed to figure out was how to manage maintaining my self-respect and being respectful as well. These two ideas aren’t as incongruent as some people make it seem.

It came down to holding a non-judgmental stance when observing, describing and participating in my thought process and deciding how to handle this break up. I could drive myself crazy by thinking about all the negative things that can come out of the conversation without arriving at a decision and sticking by it. I knew I had a habit of doing this hence setting a deadline of May 13th  and lucky for me I didn’t need to deadline. I boldly, bravely decided to do what was best for me and this person. Sometimes we’re only meant to be with each other for a stretch of time then move on and that’s okay. Let’s embrace the coming and goings of people from our lives regardless of how small or large a role they play in helping us achieve enlightenment and self-awareness.

Entry Eight:

We live in a world where labels will be foisted on you whether or not you like them, agree with them or embrace them. This is true for everyone, but the labels differ due to many variables. We all get treated unfairly due to labels at one point or another. Some labels are accurate and people display their pride by participating in events and interacting with that community. An example of this is the label of gay or [insert ethic group]. There are certain privileges to be had by embracing labels that we feel speak to our identity. Other labels are inaccurate or insufficiently describe who we are.

Unfortunately time and time again I have seen the label of mental illness besmirched by the actions of a few misguided people and the fear mongering media. How many stories have I heard on the news discussing mental illness but not in a positive light? Many sadly. For every story I hear about someone succeeding in spite of their bipolar disorder, or managing the symptoms of their schizophrenia, there are three or more stories about people with mental illness terrorizing the country by shooting up schools, shopping malls and churches. I fear the brainwashing happening on a regular basis, but do my part to combat it by  writing this blog. My hope is that if someone finds this, they can find some truth to my words then maybe my insight will help them somehow.

How can people with mental illness seek the help they need and advocate for themselves and others who struggle with mental illness when so many people make them feel stigmatized? It’s easy to say to someone – “don’t listen to what other people say” or “stop caring about what people think.” However, human beings don’t live in individual bubbles. We constantly interact with each other. So of course comments made by people are going to get under our skin, especially if that commentary is coming from family or someone similarly close to us. It’s easy to tell someone who’s mentally ill to tune negative people out if they have a support system to help them get through hard times. This same advice wouldn’t help someone who doesn’t have a support system. All you’d be doing is further alienating them with your invalidating advice.

I long wondered why I was handed this lot in life and wished more than anything to be “normal” but I no longer feel that way. I have embraced the lot given to me, but it took years and sometimes I find myself in the throws of self-deprecation. How do I get out of that funk? By learning how to appreciate little things like candy, writing or pizza – whatever makes me smile. I learned that some good comes from my borderline personality disorder. For example some of my wild mood swings scared away people who weren’t good for me before they were able to inflict emotional and/or physical damage and in this way it protected me from these unhealthy experiences. So basically what I’m saying in this entry is that we have to learn to take the good with the bad.

Use your wise mind to observe, describe and participate in your life in a non-judgmental, one-mindful and effective way. If we live a life that’s true to our values then all that stigma and all those negative beliefs about mental illness will slide off of us like the muck it is. We will remain untouched. It’s a constant struggle to remind ourselves to be present.

Entry One:

After much thought and consideration I have decided to give up something I am passionate about in order to pursue something greater. It wasn’t easy to resign from the position that I hadn’t even fully started earlier this week, but I firmly believe it was the right choice. I arrived at this decision using the DBT Skill called Wise Mind.

What is Wise Mind?

Wise Mind is the overlap of the emotion and reasonable mind. Basically it means taking the facts of your situation (reasonable mind) and the feelings that arise due to the situation (emotion mind) then blending them together to arrive at a solution to the problem being caused by the situation.

In my situation the top three facts were as follows:

• I was hired for a job that only pays me $1270/mo and has minimal health insurance benefits
• I was couch surfing at my family’s apartment in Brooklyn until I could get my own apartment
• The landlord started to give my family a hard time about me staying with them temporarily

In my situation I felt many emotions, but here are the top three:

• Sadness
• Fear
• Agitated

There were many other facts and emotions that I took into consideration before deciding to resign. It wasn’t an easy choice by any means because I have many student loans to pay off, many aspiration to fulfill, but the stress the job and my living situation were causing me wasn’t worth it. In the end I decided to value myself, to put myself first for once. My mental health was more important to me than a job that wasn’t going to advance my career or pay me what I’m worth. If a few factors of my situation were different, I may have made a different choice but since this isn’t the case I don’t regret my decision.

The lovely people at DBT Self Help.Com said it best:

“Wise mind [is the] calm that follows the storm. Experience immediately following a crises or enormous chaos. [It means] suddenly getting to the heart of the matter, seeing or knowing something directly or clearly. It is grasping the whole picture when only parts were understood. It is “feeling ” the right choice in a dilemma, when the feeling comes from deep within rather from a current emotional state.”

Regardless of whether or not you have borderline personality disorder, sometimes it isn’t easy to calm down one’s emotions enough to come to a decision. Sometimes you don’t have enough time to gather the facts, other times you just can’t get the quiet you need to think about the information you’ve gathered and sometimes it’s something else that gets in your way. However, it is possible to implement the skills taught in DBT to create a life worth living.