Entry Eighty-Five:

It is difficult to heal a wound when someone continues to dig deeper into it. It is difficult to get stronger when someone is hurting you and lying to you regularly. However, this is the challenge I am faced with. I must learn how to manage my emotions while maintaining my boundaries and exploring my career path.

It isn’t easy to cut someone out of your life but I have discovered that I have to do this because it will help me in the long run. I will be able to succeed better if I focus on my future instead of continuing to allow myself to be pulled into drama that has nothing to do with me. I have been excessively kind for too long and I have been taken advantage of because of this.

I have an enlightening conversation that renewed my determination to get certain things done. I will excel. I will succeed. I will accomplish what I set out to do. It’s time to cut the dead weight so I can focus on my future, my future family and my goals.

Entry Eighty-Four:

I don’t understand how people can say careless things about other people. I had the misfortune of hearing really inconsiderate remarks made by a coworker recently. It made me think about my role in society, how I’m viewed by others and it stirred up some painful emotions. I’m usually not deeply affected by other people’s rude comments towards others, but this pushed me over the edge because it was racial and judgmental. I was so upset that I wanted to have nothing to do with my coworkers.

It took a few days for the racist remarks to settle, but it left me thinking about how we all at times say things and don’t realize what it sounds like or don’t mean the words we say.

I do my best to be thoughtful towards others and I have made the mistake of saying things in a way that affects people negatively. After this experience I’m going to find a way to stand up for myself and let people know that I don’t like certain things they do. I won’t let negative language, especially if it’s racist, exist unquestioned. I kept my mouth shut in the moment, except for the comments I made towards my supervisor about how upset it made me, but it hurt me to do not do more.

Entry Eighty-Three:

I keep giving people chances and continued to be proven that those individuals aren’t trustworthy. I’m done. I’m tired of trying and it blowing up in my face. Like the saying goes, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” The reason it took this long to finally reach this conclusion is because the person in question is a family member, a parent. It’s very difficult to cut the cord because I want to make things work.

I was guarded for a long time because I continued to get hurt by this person. For a while there I thought they learned from their mistakes and that they were changing for the better. However, they have since reverted to only calling me when they need something and not reaching out now that things are calm.

I acted in good faith but the person obviously doesn’t care. I have made my feelings clear and have made my availability clear. I don’t think my parent will ever step up to the plate so I’m going to be okay with having a less than optimal relationship. At least my other parent is there when I need them and doesn’t disappoint me in the same way. I’m not saying one is better than the other or that they haven’t made their mistakes. I’m just done trying to have a relationship with someone who isn’t there.

Poem of the Month

Everything’s easy after it’s done;
Every battle’s a “cinch” that’s won;
Every problem is clear that’s solved–
The earth was round when it revolved!
But Washington stood amid grave doubt
With enemy forces camped about;
He could not know how he would fare
Till after he’d crossed the Delaware.

Though the river was full of ice
He did not think about it twice,
But started across in the dead of night,
The enemy waiting to open the fight.
Likely feeling pretty blue,
Being human, same as you,
But he was brave amid despair,
And Washington crossed the Delaware!

So when you’re with trouble beset,
And your spirits are soaking wet,
When all the sky with clouds is black,
Don’t lie down upon your back
And look at them. Just do the thing;
Though you are choked, still try to sing.
If times are dark, believe them fair,
And you will cross the Delaware!

A Lesson From History by Joseph Morris