Entry Eighty-Three:

I keep giving people chances and continued to be proven that those individuals aren’t trustworthy. I’m done. I’m tired of trying and it blowing up in my face. Like the saying goes, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” The reason it took this long to finally reach this conclusion is because the person in question is a family member, a parent. It’s very difficult to cut the cord because I want to make things work.

I was guarded for a long time because I continued to get hurt by this person. For a while there I thought they learned from their mistakes and that they were changing for the better. However, they have since reverted to only calling me when they need something and not reaching out now that things are calm.

I acted in good faith but the person obviously doesn’t care. I have made my feelings clear and have made my availability clear. I don’t think my parent will ever step up to the plate so I’m going to be okay with having a less than optimal relationship. At least my other parent is there when I need them and doesn’t disappoint me in the same way. I’m not saying one is better than the other or that they haven’t made their mistakes. I’m just done trying to have a relationship with someone who isn’t there.

Poem of the Month

Everything’s easy after it’s done;
Every battle’s a “cinch” that’s won;
Every problem is clear that’s solved–
The earth was round when it revolved!
But Washington stood amid grave doubt
With enemy forces camped about;
He could not know how he would fare
Till after he’d crossed the Delaware.

Though the river was full of ice
He did not think about it twice,
But started across in the dead of night,
The enemy waiting to open the fight.
Likely feeling pretty blue,
Being human, same as you,
But he was brave amid despair,
And Washington crossed the Delaware!

So when you’re with trouble beset,
And your spirits are soaking wet,
When all the sky with clouds is black,
Don’t lie down upon your back
And look at them. Just do the thing;
Though you are choked, still try to sing.
If times are dark, believe them fair,
And you will cross the Delaware!

A Lesson From History by Joseph Morris

Entry Seventy-Three:

Time flies when you’re having fun…or not. The past few days have been challenging. Technology hasn’t been on my side, people haven’t been the most helpful or kind and this morning I woke up with a mild case of pink eye. I’m going on vacation next week and unfortunately I’m saddened to learn that all these small things are adding up to create a frustrating week for me. I’m trying to maintain my composure but it’s really hard.

I want to cry because of how frustrating everything is, but I can’t cry. I’m trying to find solutions but I’m feeling overwhelmed. I think the best thing to do is take it easy and do the best I can to take care of myself physically. I’m not sure what else I can do. For the first time in a while I’m at a loss for words.

All I know is that when I’m physically feeling unwell, it affects my emotions and I’m trying to give myself some flexibility so that I’m not hard on myself as usual.

Entry Forty-Nine:

I have often heard the phrase: “If you don’t learn from the past, you are doomed to repeat it.” Recent events have made me realize that I’ve applied many of the lessons I’ve learned in the past few years to my present. I haven’t had the best life, but I also haven’t had the worse. I have made mistakes. People have mistreated me, but regardless I know it was all meant to bring me to the place I find myself in today. I feel really proud of myself for learning how to extent certain courtesies to people and my patience – though it’s not perfect – is a lot better than it used to be. I have always been empathetic and now that’s being tested.

A few days ago I started receiving calls from a blocked number and eventually this culminated in someone leaving me harassing/obscene/threatening voicemails. It is obvious to me they’ve dialed the wrong number,  but I’ve been ignoring the calls because from the little I know about this person through the voicemails – it’s apparent they won’t listen to reason. In the past I would’ve handled this completely differently. I would’ve gotten upset and it would’ve emotionally dysregulated me. However, I have found ways of finding amusement from this situation. I’m human and I don’t typically make fun of people, I found this to be an instance of hilarity because the threats this person was issuing had no basis. Basically – how can she track me down to do anything to me if she can’t even call/threaten the right person in the first place? I have been a good sport about it so far, but I have also started saving some of the voicemails because if she doesnt stop I will have to involve the police. I don’t want to do that but the voicemails have been getting worse each time she leaves one.

I’ve decided to  tag this under distress tolerance because I’ve been using most of the skills in this module. It easily could’ve fallen under interpersonal effectiveness, but I didn’t think it was appropriate because I don’t care about maintaining a relationship with this woman. Getting what I want does matter and maintaining my self-respect is equally important but I haven’t struggled with either. Therefore I have leaned more on the skills from the distress tolerance module. Skills like radical acceptance, turning your mind, pros and cons and improve the moment. I’ve done all of it and it has really helped me stay balanced. It’s easy to do since this person is a stranger, but this is great practice to have for when I encounter a similar situation involving someone I actually care about. It’s all about practice.