Entry Forty:

This week has been challenging thus far.The chaos from last week continued and I tried to juggle all my responsibilities the best I could. As I look back on what I learned, experienced and contemplated since my last post I realize a lot was accomplished in a short amount of time. It took some patience, a lot of phone calls and help from various sources.

My mother’s care after discharge last Friday was nothing short of disastrous. I had to file a formal complaint to the visiting nurse agency that was hired to visit her. Basically what happened was that a nurse stopped by her home on Saturday but couldn’t reach her. She called me and I was concerned because she was catatonic previously. I needed the help of the fire department to get into her home to make sure she was okay because she wasn’t answering her phone or her door. She had to go to the ER because we suspected she accidentally overdoses on psychiatric medication (which was what caused her catatonic state previously). When I called the agency to give an update not only was I given the incorrect information about the nurse visiting her that evening but I was also told my mother needed to wait a whole day to get her medication. I stayed with my mother overnight because I feared for her safety and I did notice the change in her mood and behavior.

The mistakes that were made could have affected my mother more severely than it did. She started displaying some of the symptoms that the medication she was without were meant to curve and while this obstacle upset me, I knew that doing one thing at a time and holding people accountable for their actions were the options I had at my disposal to fix the situation. I’m keeping a close eye on the agency from now on because there is no reason my mother should wait for medication we were told would be picked up in a timely fashion. It was part of the agreement that was made between the hospital and the agency upon discharge. I think it was handled negligently because my mother is dealing with a psychiatric illness. If it were a physical illness like heart disease or diabetes I don’t believe I would have been given as hard of a time about her lack of medication. I think it’s sad that people with psychiatric illnesses aren’t taken as seriously as those with physical ailments.

Entry Thirty-Nine:

A lot has happened in the last week. I’ve been busy taking care of my mother and myself. It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve managed. Last Friday I stayed over my mother’s house because we (family and therapist) were concerned about her well being. Around 2am on Saturday I discovered my mom had fallen asleep sitting up and watching TV. Needless to say I had to rush her to the ER because when I woke her up and tried to get her to go to her bed, I learned that she was in a catatonic state. She was awake, but not processing any external stimuli. It was extremely scary to witness.

This week has taught me that it’s very important to take care of the people that mean a lot to you. It’s also important to take care of yourself. I thought I was doing a splendid job of looking after myself, but after leaving the hospital and getting stuck waiting my bus home for an hour, I realized that I was feeling extremely anxious and overwhelmed. All I wanted was to see a familiar face and find my way home, but it didn’t work out that way. I ended up getting a free bus pass from someone who didn’t need it, which was nice but I really need to take some time to myself soon.

It was very hard to regulate my emotions because of how distressed I was feeling. I was fighting reality. Once I accepted that I had to wait for the bus home and that it wasn’t a good idea to risk walking home for safety reasons then it got easier to wait. I won’t lie I felt really impatient and hurried, but I passed the time by talking to other folks who were trying to get home and the time wasn’t spend in vain. I didn’t want to slow down because I just wanted to be home so I could get everything set up for work tomorrow. I didn’t get home as early as I wanted, but I accomplished what I wanted. Lesson learned today: accept what is and work with your circumstances. Stop fighting reality! It won’t help you solve your problems.

Entry Thirty-Eight:

Lately I have been thinking about different defense mechanisms people use to protect themselves. Some people use denial, others project and still others dissociate. There are many other things people do to escape their pain, maintain their sense of self and some are healthy, but in this entry I will mostly discuss what I perceive to be an ineffective one. We’ve all engaged in unhealthy behavior. It’s a matter of acknowledging it and trying to do better the next time we find ourselves in a similar situation.

Recent conversations with my family have caused me to look more carefully at my words, my interactions and definitely the way I interpret people’s actions. I recently expressed the idea that a family member had made fun of me once and before I could finish my observation I was interrupted by this person. They didn’t like that I was making this comment and instead of asking me why I was making my comment, this person became extremely defensive and shut the conversation down. Luckily another person diffused the situation by drawing attention to herself, which changed the focus very quickly and laughter was heard soon after.

This interaction left me feeling upset for a few hours. It didn’t matter to me that this person made fun of me in the past. We all tease each other from time to time and I know it’s part of the family dynamic. What bothered me was that this person didn’t allow me to express my thoughts. They took away my right to express myself because it didn’t fit with how they see themselves. I wasn’t trying to attack this person. I mulled this over for hours because I couldn’t understand this person’s defensiveness. It comes down to this person not agreeing with the way I perceive things but instead of having a respectful conversation about it – I was shot down.

I don’t think it’s healthy for someone to stop another person from expressing themselves. I know it’s painful to listen to someone say that something you said or did hurt them. Pain is a part of life and instead of trying to ignore it, numb it, shut it down – we need to find a way of accepting it. I came across an article that is very insightful regarding defensiveness and it helped answer some of my questions about why people engage in this mechanism. I hope this article helps anyone who interacts with defensive people or if you find yourself being defensive. I know I will keep this information in mind for myself in the future because let’s face it we all get defensive.

Poem of the Month

Well, son, I’ll tell you:
Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.
It’s had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor—
Bare.
But all the time
I’se been a-climbin’ on,
And reachin’ landin’s,
And turnin’ corners,
And sometimes goin’ in the dark
Where there ain’t been no light.
So, boy, don’t you turn back.
Don’t you set down on the steps.
‘Cause you finds it’s kinder hard.
Don’t you fall now—
For I’se still goin’, honey,
I’se still climbin’,
And life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

 

by Langston Hughes