Entry Thirty-Eight:

Lately I have been thinking about different defense mechanisms people use to protect themselves. Some people use denial, others project and still others dissociate. There are many other things people do to escape their pain, maintain their sense of self and some are healthy, but in this entry I will mostly discuss what I perceive to be an ineffective one. We’ve all engaged in unhealthy behavior. It’s a matter of acknowledging it and trying to do better the next time we find ourselves in a similar situation.

Recent conversations with my family have caused me to look more carefully at my words, my interactions and definitely the way I interpret people’s actions. I recently expressed the idea that a family member had made fun of me once and before I could finish my observation I was interrupted by this person. They didn’t like that I was making this comment and instead of asking me why I was making my comment, this person became extremely defensive and shut the conversation down. Luckily another person diffused the situation by drawing attention to herself, which changed the focus very quickly and laughter was heard soon after.

This interaction left me feeling upset for a few hours. It didn’t matter to me that this person made fun of me in the past. We all tease each other from time to time and I know it’s part of the family dynamic. What bothered me was that this person didn’t allow me to express my thoughts. They took away my right to express myself because it didn’t fit with how they see themselves. I wasn’t trying to attack this person. I mulled this over for hours because I couldn’t understand this person’s defensiveness. It comes down to this person not agreeing with the way I perceive things but instead of having a respectful conversation about it – I was shot down.

I don’t think it’s healthy for someone to stop another person from expressing themselves. I know it’s painful to listen to someone say that something you said or did hurt them. Pain is a part of life and instead of trying to ignore it, numb it, shut it down – we need to find a way of accepting it. I came across an article that is very insightful regarding defensiveness and it helped answer some of my questions about why people engage in this mechanism. I hope this article helps anyone who interacts with defensive people or if you find yourself being defensive. I know I will keep this information in mind for myself in the future because let’s face it we all get defensive.