Entry Eighty-Two:

I should be used to people surprising me. I should be used to people doing things I don’t always expect, but alas I was caught off guard yet again. My significant other and I announced good news to our family and friends. We received an outpouring of support. It took us a week to figure out how to break the news not only because we didn’t know how they’d react but also because we both worked and didn’t have an opportunity to share the news face to face earlier with those who mattered most to us due to work.

I have learned over the years to be careful, cautious and reserved. You want people to be in your corner. You want people to support you and show you unconditional love but that doesn’t always happen. The previous time I was in a similar situation I was so blinded by happiness that I couldn’t see the ways in which my ex was hurting me by hiding the truth from me and increasing the distance between us.

I’m used to people being happy for me when it comes to my achievements. I’m used to people applauding me for excelling in school and most things I try, but not everything since I do have some weaknesses that I try to work on every now and then. I’m not used to people being happy about my personal life, not when it comes to relationships and the ways they evolve.

I’ve learned so much about people this weekend. I feel so lucky to have been showered with love. I need to keep it into perspective because it’s not about approval but doing what’s best for me and my partner. I feel a little overwhelmed by the support but will keep it in perspective.

Entry Sixty-One:

People experience criticism differently. Some people thrive on it. Others don’t like it and consider it a personal attack. Personally, depending on what I was being criticized about I would either take it personally or be aloof about it. Most of the time it leaned towards the personal front. Over the years I realized that criticism was important. This isn’t to imply I didn’t know this before, but it settled in more effectively once it dawned on me that what people said didn’t mean they thought poorly of me. I took it hardest in school because I prided myself in being a good student.

Recently I experienced my first mid-year evaluation at my current job. It was an interesting experience. In the past when I learned I was going to be evaluated on my job performance, I felt an array of emotions and the main emotion was anxiety stemming from fear. I wanted to do my job effectively and make sure I was putting my best foot forward.

This time I didn’t experience this. I was calm about the entire process. I don’t know if it’s due my thoughts and feelings about the entire process. On my way home after the review I found myself laughing. I didn’t take the negative feedback I received personally at all. It was quite the opposite. I found it amusing. I knew that I had improved from my first day to the moment of the review. I didn’t need someone to validate what I knew to be true. I know the importance of receiving feedback, but I also knew that the assessment I received was inaccurate.

I feel extremely proud of myself for handling this situation well. A few years ago I would’ve broken down and cried, maybe not at the meeting but later when I was by myself. This time I actually felt I was on even footing with my supervisor. I wasn’t at her mercy of her words. I knew what she said was true about me when I started in August, but not now. It hasn’t been true about me since I started my second month of work. I quickly caught on to what I needed to change and made the necessary changes.

At the end of the day, you do the best you can. I think I laughed because I realized that all those years of being worried about evaluations from teachers, professors and other people placed in a position of power over me didn’t change me the way I thought it would. It wasn’t the end of the world. In the moment I was scared, but we are conditioned in certain ways so we comply. It dawned on me that I can comply without giving me, without giving away my power. If other don’t like that then that’s their issue to solve.

Poem of the Month

Well, son, I’ll tell you:
Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.
It’s had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor—
Bare.
But all the time
I’se been a-climbin’ on,
And reachin’ landin’s,
And turnin’ corners,
And sometimes goin’ in the dark
Where there ain’t been no light.
So, boy, don’t you turn back.
Don’t you set down on the steps.
‘Cause you finds it’s kinder hard.
Don’t you fall now—
For I’se still goin’, honey,
I’se still climbin’,
And life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

 

by Langston Hughes

Entry Thirty-Four:

Throughout most of my life I’ve heard people say that happiness is a choice. I agree with this statement to some extent, but question what people mean by this every chance I get. Yes, choosing when to allow circumstances out of my control and people outside of myself to affect me is something I have power over. I can’t control what other people say, do or think, but I can control how I react. This is easier said than done, especially if we are sick, going through emotional upheaval and dealing with many other things because let’s face it – we’re not always in the best place emotionally to deal with everything life throws our way. Sometimes, we are and other times we’re not.

We all have those moments when we react without thinking, especially if the situation is life or death, we’re working with a deadline, a past emotional wound is reopened, etc. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with reacting without thinking first. We just have to be mindful of these reactions and the snap judgments we arrive at because of them. It is so much easier to blame people for their own misery and it is definitely easier to blame their circumstances as well. What isn’t so easy is helping them figure out what they need to get through the day. What isn’t so easy is giving people the tools they need to get ahead in life. It’s so easy to stand back and judge (both others and ourselves) but it isn’t as easy to offer advice, insight and empathy.

So this post is a call to arms. The next time someone is having a rough time because they’re sick, unemployed, mourning a death, experiencing a break up, etc – ask them if there’s anything you can do. If they say no then either leave them be so they can process what they’re going through or do something thoughtful that would take their mind off their problem (not necessarily something that’ll cheer them up as this can be invalidating, but if they’re the type of person who likes being cheered up then go for it). It can be something as simple as doing a chore they don’t like doing or simply being available to listen to them.

Many people struggle to stay sane. This became apparent to me after reading this. Previously I believed I was the only one who put in so much work to remain stable but the truth is I’m not. It’s just refreshing and validating to realize that more and more each day. Past this knowledge along to someone who needs it because sometimes knowing you’re not the only one who has experienced a certain type of situation makes you feel less alone with your problems.

Entry Twenty-Five:

Lately I have been successful in building positive experiences in my life. I have decided to start volunteering, have stepped up my efforts on the job hunting front and have started to interact with and meet new people. It hasn’t been easy to reach this place in my life, but every struggle has it’s fruit. I put in the work and now I’m starting to see some of the efforts pan out.

Recent events have made me feel grateful for everything I have experienced thus far. I don’t think I would have the opportunities I currently have in my life if the previous events hadn’t unfolded. This is the reason I eliminated the word hatred from my vocabulary. I don’t even remember the last time I felt that emotion, but I do know that I don’t want to experience it again. It has no place in my life and I don’t believe it ever will, not anymore.

Growing up I was mocked by my peers for some of my positive qualities. Okay, maybe mocked is a strong word, but I was definitely judged and over time was labeled offensive words. Sometimes I was told I wore my heart on my sleeve, that I was too emotionally sensitive and that I didn’t know how to take a joke.

Now I know you’re probably wondering how any of these comments translate into positive qualities. Well I enjoyed being in love and could be found flirting with different boys, dating different guys (not at the same time, but definitely back to back). I was a hopeless romantic and believed wholeheartedly that love conquers all. When it came to emotions – happiness turned to euphoria, sadness to depression and others were similarly amplified. I don’t see this as a negative thing. In fact I believe it adds a richness to my life that I would otherwise lack if I felt emotions like everyone else. The final quality was the fact I have a very specific sense of humor and I didn’t particularly care for nor like being the butt of jokes.

Looking back at that time I know that all the people I encountered, the experiences I had and the emotions I felt then shaped me into the person I am today. I like the person I have become and continue to develop into as I learn more about life, myself and my place in this world. I am proud of all that I’ve accomplished and even though this doesn’t mean I will become complacent with my life. It simply means I am stopping to smell the roses, which is something I haven’t done in a while.

Entry Twenty-Three:

It has been three weeks since I ended a relationship of three years. The pain of my loss is hitting me harder this week than it has in the past three and I don’t know why that is. I worked really hard to keep myself busy with appointments, searching for work and writing. I mourned the loss, but I guess I’m back to mourning again because I’ve been crying more than usual lately.

I completed four days of training last week and even though I am not taking the job because I feel extremely uncomfortable in that work environment and firmly believe it’s not the right fit for me, this wasn’t enough to get my mind off him. It wasn’t enough to keep me distracted. What makes matters worse is that it reopened a certain past wound that I’ve been working really hard to close for five years. I find myself texting the one person in the world I shouldn’t be talking to and I just don’t care that I’m doing it. I make sure I keep myself safe. We’re friends after all and there’s no harm in reaching out, even if I am ambiguous about it and love him.

I continue to be amazed by my heart’s capacity to love. I have reached a point in my life where I just don’t mind if my heart gets broken a few more times. I don’t mind if I come across people that aren’t worth my time because all these experiences are getting me closer to figuring out who I want to keep around (romantically, since I know what I desire in family and friends). It’s bringing me closer to an awareness I didn’t know I longed for until another true love of mine had to depart from my life.

I know that the day will come when I finally put together all the pieces of the puzzle and discover my purpose in life. That moment will be so crystal clear and all past events will fall neatly in place creating a landscape before me. I will be in awe of how far I’ve come. I can’t shake the feeling that this moment is closer than I think.

Poem of the Month

Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
Four be the things I’d been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.

Inventory by Dorothy Parker