Poem of the Month

When I heard the learn’d astronomer,
When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in
columns before me,
When I was shown the charts and diagrams,
to add, divide, and measure them,
When I sitting heard the astronomer where
he lectured with much applause in the
lecture-room,
How soon unaccountable I became tired and
sick,
Till rising and gliding out I wander’d off by
myself,
In the mystical moist night-air, and from time
to time,
Look’d up in perfect silence at the stars.

When I Heard the Learn’d Astronomer by Walt Whitman

Entry One Hundred One:

It’s unfortunate that people who claim to be the most enlightened are actually the most closed minded people at times. It’s sad that some people make things about them when it has nothing to do with them. It’s ridiculous that others assume they know a person’s situation without bothering to ask for information.

A lot of people have been assuming things about me lately. Situations have come up that have made me feel grateful for all the progress I’ve made with my mental health. If I hadn’t made the progress I’ve made, if I wasn’t in the stable place I currently inhabit mentally then the curve balls I’ve encountered lately would unravel me, the insults hurled at me would sting so sharply I would lost a piece of myself in the tears and worst of all it would take a long time for me to bounce back. It was difficult to not let this happen because I didn’t have the skills at my disposal to deal with. Now I do and I’m making different choices as a result.

A coworker recently questioned me about eating a snack in front of the children I was watching while they were eating something completely different. I plan on inquiring to our boss about what rule I was breaking by doing that. I have issues with my stomach and one of the ways I keep that under control is by snacking on saltines every now and then. It’s not meant to be a jab at anyone, mean in any way. It’s just one of the methods my doctor told me to keep this condition under control. I find it interesting how many assumptions people make on a daily basis.

How many arguments could be avoided if people were willing to ask questions before jumping to conclusions? How many disagreements could be ended by simply believing that someone is doing something for a good reason that has no malicious intent behind it? I wonder how much empathy could be harnessed in that way.

Poem of the Month

When the spent sun throws up its rays on cloud
And goes down burning into the gulf below,
No voice in nature is heard to cry aloud
At what has happened.
Birds, at least must know
It is the change to darkness in the sky.

Murmuring something quiet in her breast,
One bird begins to close a faded eye;
Or overtaken too far from his nest,
Hurrying low above the grove, some waif
Swoops just in time to his remembered tree.

At most he thinks or twitters softly, ‘Safe!
Now let the night be dark for all of me.

Let the night be too dark for me to see
Into the future.
Let what will be, be.

Acceptance by Robert Frost

Poem of the Month

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

Dreams by Langston Hughes

Entry Ninety-Five:

As the year is coming to an end I can’t help but wonder if there are people out there who knew what they wanted to be when they grew up, stuck to a certain path and eventually accomplished their dream. It seems so unlikely nowadays. I don’t know about other people, but it took me a while to know what I was good at. I knew early on what I was passionate about but there were so many obstacles in my path that I couldn’t see past that. I couldn’t figure out what was the way to go.

I continued my education and thought I knew what I wanted to do, but quickly realized that it wasn’t what I could do. I’ve had to alter my dream a few times. I did so with the realization that I was being logical, mindful and realistic. Sometimes dreams you have in your youth aren’t as well thought out as you thought they were, but now I see how that can be fixed.

Adults often told me to enjoy my youth and it wasn’t until I entered that I realized what they were really saying all along. I enjoyed it the best I could. I wouldn’t change any choices I made because ultimately it led me to where I am today and I like this place.

Entry Eighty-Seven:

This month I have been asking myself the following questions: why are some people hard on themselves and others so permissive? Why do some people hold themselves to high standards and other have no problem using and abusing people around them?

I know it boils down to varying experiences people have in life. As a writer I have the privilege of stepping into the shoes of someone else and to attempt to understand where they’re coming from. It is hard to do this but necessary to tell their stories. I have gained a greater degree of empathy through these exercises because it has carried over into my personal life and the way I interact with others.

I believe in giving people second chances. At the same time I think I’ve been taken advantage of because of how kind, understanding and empathetic I am. I think I have finally learned that refusing to give someone a second chance doesn’t make me a terrible person, especially if I’ve already given them one. I don’t owe anyone anything if they’re hurt me, betrayed my trust and continue to disrespect me.

 

Poem of the Month

The chief beauty about time
is that you cannot waste it in advance.
The next year, the next day, the next hour are lying ready for you,
as perfect, as unspoiled,
as if you had never wasted or misapplied
a single moment in all your life.
You can turn over a new leaf every hour
if you choose.

by Arnold Bennett

Entry Eighty-Five:

It is difficult to heal a wound when someone continues to dig deeper into it. It is difficult to get stronger when someone is hurting you and lying to you regularly. However, this is the challenge I am faced with. I must learn how to manage my emotions while maintaining my boundaries and exploring my career path.

It isn’t easy to cut someone out of your life but I have discovered that I have to do this because it will help me in the long run. I will be able to succeed better if I focus on my future instead of continuing to allow myself to be pulled into drama that has nothing to do with me. I have been excessively kind for too long and I have been taken advantage of because of this.

I have an enlightening conversation that renewed my determination to get certain things done. I will excel. I will succeed. I will accomplish what I set out to do. It’s time to cut the dead weight so I can focus on my future, my future family and my goals.

Entry Eighty:

It took some time to figure out what to write this week and I wonder if it’s because this blog has fulfilled its purpose. I started this blog almost two years ago as a way to share what I was learning in DBT. It was a way to put into context the various skills and a way to make those skills make sense to my day to day.

The various times I’ve learned about it made me feel like it was some distant thing I would never get the hang of. I was exposed to DBT around 8 or 9 years ago when I was having a hard time regulating my emotions. I learned about it in quick bursts because I was introduced to DBT in an intense outpatient setting after being releasing from an inpatient program that helped stabilize me enough to function. I didn’t remain in either place very long (because that’s how they’re set up) and as a result as soon as I left those places, the skills stayed there.

I didn’t realize that those skills were the very thing I needed to live without many symptoms (most are gone but there are some that pop up now and then) and enjoy my life until much later. It took years to get an accurate diagnosis and it was a relief when it finally did. I think this is why it was so important to get the skills ingrained in my day to day living by increasing my mindfulness surrounding them.

It has been helpful to keep myself busy with two jobs, volunteer work and nourishing some good relationships in my life. The skills helped me figure out how to address problems more easily regardless of the type of problem they are. I’m more effective and since this is happening, I have an easier time managing my emotions. I can hardly believe there was a time that I struggled so much, but I’m reminded of the struggle when I contemplate old journal entries, poems and other such writings.

I’m so grateful that DBT came into my life. It made a world of difference.

Poem of the Month

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud by William Wordsworth