Entry Ninety-Six:

This month has not been easy and for this reason I’ve decided to post twice a month this year. My difficulties and obligations have made it more challenging to find the time and patience to write these posts. It once was a way to apply DBT skills to every day situations since I graduated from my therapist, but it has become something I forget about and feel bad about not fulfilling.

I can’t stop crying today. I’m afraid. I feel like everything I worked so hard for is crumbling before me. I haven’t gotten to where I want to be and I’m afraid I never will. I’m scared of losing the people I care about. I’m scared that I’m unlovable. I’m trying my best to love myself more than anyone else can. I’m upset that I was given this lot in life, these fears because of the way I was treated by my parents, the way I was raised. My mother raised me to be a strong woman, but I’m afraid I’m failing her. I’m in the most vulnerable state I have ever been in and I don’t know how to reign it in.

My mother taught me how to take care of myself, how to be strong but she didn’t teach me how to ask for help, when to realize I couldn’t do it alone. She didn’t prepare me for the heartache, the pain that comes with being human but she warned me of what I would experience when I trusted the wrong people. Unfortunately, that came to fruition and I’ve grown from the experience. I’m at a crossroads yet again.

I’m starting to feel like a burden again. I want to pull away, to hide from the world but I don’t know what to do with these feelings. I keep opening up more and more, my wounds continue to bleed but my hope is that it’ll cease, my wounds will heal and I’ll be stronger. I’m waiting for the strength to kick in because I’m at the lowest point I’ve been in in years, which is nothing compared to how low I’ve been before. I think the love and compassion I feel towards myself is keeping me afloat.

Entry Thirty-Seven:

I have learned two things this week. First, I learned that we all grow accustomed to living our lives a certain way and this includes having people in our lives that we care about. When they are gone, even momentarily, you learn how much someone or something means to you and more importantly you learn the impact it has in your life, what it adds to it.

The next lesson I learned this week is that putting in the work necessary does eventually lead to the rewards. Sometimes it’s not about how much work you put in, but about being consistent and patient while waiting for the results. I know I struggle with this often because while I have often been patient sometimes I’m uncertain regarding how much longer a wait I should anticipate.

This week has been very busy but productive and somehow relaxing. I’ve managed to put things into perspective as needed, have given myself breaks as things come along and have managed to be kind to myself – understanding of my mistakes (both past and present). These are very good steps in the right direction. If I continue to learn how to cultivate compassion towards myself then I’ll be successfully manage my mental health. I read an insightful article about this recently and continue to research this topic because it’s important to me.

Entry Thirty-Five:

It’s not easy to watch someone you care about struggle. It’s hard to do the best you can to be there for them, but ultimately knowing this is a battle they have to fight alone. This has been a common theme in the relationship I have with my mother recently. She’s really struggling with almost every facet of her life lately. I don’t like seeing her upset. 

As I mentioned in previous posts – it’s not about her choosing to be happy. Most people struggling with mental illness aren’t choosing to be miserable. I say most because I know I have moments when I want to choose to let things affect me a certain way, even though I know I have skills to change my mood. Since it happens to me, I’m certain it happens to others.

Anyways, I try to offer suggestions on ways she can lift her depression but she doesn’t always take my advice. It frustrates me and I make sure I get off the phone with her before we get into an argument. I try to keep her present. I remind her not to ruminate and tell her that if she needs to cry to give herself the space to do so but to not stay there all day – set a time limit. Then I remind her that I love her and hang up once she acknowledges my words.

I have long asked myself what I need to do to improve my relationship with her. I have come to the realization that maintaining boundaries and being consistent are the only ways our relationship will improve. It has been years since my mother gave me any advice and while I’m okay with this, I wonder if it’s due to her worsening depression. I remind myself that everything happens for a reason, even if I don’t like the reason it still has shaped me into the person I am today. My mother did the best she could with the resources at her disposal and for that I am grateful. This gratitude motivates me to be there for her but also know my limits. Our relationship will flourish as long as I remain mindful of my boundaries.

Entry Twenty-Five:

Lately I have been successful in building positive experiences in my life. I have decided to start volunteering, have stepped up my efforts on the job hunting front and have started to interact with and meet new people. It hasn’t been easy to reach this place in my life, but every struggle has it’s fruit. I put in the work and now I’m starting to see some of the efforts pan out.

Recent events have made me feel grateful for everything I have experienced thus far. I don’t think I would have the opportunities I currently have in my life if the previous events hadn’t unfolded. This is the reason I eliminated the word hatred from my vocabulary. I don’t even remember the last time I felt that emotion, but I do know that I don’t want to experience it again. It has no place in my life and I don’t believe it ever will, not anymore.

Growing up I was mocked by my peers for some of my positive qualities. Okay, maybe mocked is a strong word, but I was definitely judged and over time was labeled offensive words. Sometimes I was told I wore my heart on my sleeve, that I was too emotionally sensitive and that I didn’t know how to take a joke.

Now I know you’re probably wondering how any of these comments translate into positive qualities. Well I enjoyed being in love and could be found flirting with different boys, dating different guys (not at the same time, but definitely back to back). I was a hopeless romantic and believed wholeheartedly that love conquers all. When it came to emotions – happiness turned to euphoria, sadness to depression and others were similarly amplified. I don’t see this as a negative thing. In fact I believe it adds a richness to my life that I would otherwise lack if I felt emotions like everyone else. The final quality was the fact I have a very specific sense of humor and I didn’t particularly care for nor like being the butt of jokes.

Looking back at that time I know that all the people I encountered, the experiences I had and the emotions I felt then shaped me into the person I am today. I like the person I have become and continue to develop into as I learn more about life, myself and my place in this world. I am proud of all that I’ve accomplished and even though this doesn’t mean I will become complacent with my life. It simply means I am stopping to smell the roses, which is something I haven’t done in a while.

Entry Twenty-Four:

Every day I put a lot of work into my relationship with myself. I spend time doing things I enjoy, learning new skills so I can build mastery and placing myself in different situations so I can learn how to better navigate them, thus improving my flexibility when I encounter new situations. Nothing is more irritating than having a wrench thrown into your plans.

Recent interactions with my mother have left me feeling emotionally drained and unappreciated. I am trying to keep things in perspective by reminding myself that she struggles from her own psychiatric illnesses that cloud her judgment. I know that she doesn’t have the same skills I have obtained and that it took me years accumulate said skills.

It is difficult to keep this perspective when I have seen her consciously decide to not learn skills and when she does learn them, she doesn’t apply them and continues to claim ignorance as the reason she doesn’t do something. All my years in school and therapy taught me that you have to put a certain amount of work in to improve yourself. My mother has been told this many times by her therapist. I know because I was present in some cases. You can’t expect your therapist and the medications alone to help you feel better. You have to want to feel better too and my mother hasn’t demonstrated lately that she wants to put in the work.

I am tired of the way she uses me and I am not putting up with it anymore. I am tired of people telling me, “that’s just the way she is” whenever I bring up some of her irrational thoughts, comments and behavior. This is not the mother I was born to. This is not the mother that raised me. Or maybe it is and she just did a good job of hiding it. Regardless, it is not a healthy way to be. One of the things I want more than anything in this world is for my mother to actually put her part, to work towards recovery and stop relying on everyone else to get her across the finish line. I do so much for my mother and it is not appreciated on a consistent basis.

I can accept that my mother is eccentric and has a long way to go, but I cannot accept mistreatment. I cannot accept the notion that my personal improvement will rub off on her. It’s complete bullshit. I have improved a lot – emotionally, physically and mentally in the last ten years and my mother has been on a decline. I’ve noticed that the bigger the divide between us, the more issues arise and this unfortunately is something I’ll have to accept. My mother and I will never have the relationship we once did. This is both a good and bad thing. For the first time I’ve realized that I have to mourn the loss of my mother to some extent because she isn’t mentally there anymore and it hurts me to see her this way.

Entry Twenty-One:

As the saying goes, “All good things must come to an end.” A week ago I ended a relationship of three years and while it was an extremely difficult decision to make, I knew it was the right thing to do. My significant other and I no longer walked along the same path in life nor did we provide each other with the things we needed to continue to nourish the relationship. For months I fought the idea that our relationship ran its course and that we finished helping each other learn the lessons our time together brought up. It was painful to realize and admit to myself that we no longer had a place in each others’ lives. We still love and care about each other, but we were living separate lives for months and the distance wasn’t helping us keep the chemistry going.

This situation gave me some insight into what my ex went through when he broke up with me years ago. It doesn’t by any means excuse the behavior he engaged in prior to the dissolution, but it does explain a lot. I learned from my ex’s mistakes and handled this break, which dignity and respect. It is important to think about how you’re going to make the other person feel. Yes, they’re going to be hurt by your actions, but it is better for the person to know the truth and be let down gently than to be lied to and led to believe they did nothing wrong. Some people try to spare other people’s feelings by saying, “It’s not you, it’s me” when they know damn well that’s a lie. I would rather be honest and also take responsibility for the things I did wrong in the relationship. This will demonstrate to the person that I don’t fully blame them for the things that went wrong and that I acknowledge my own mistakes. When it comes to love and ending relationships it’s better to be tactful about it because you never know what your actions can do to others and it’s important to remember to treat others how you would like to be treated.

Mentally I created a list of pros and cons about the relationship and after I was done I gave myself a deadline by which I would come to a conclusion about the relationship. I used my mindfulness skills the most afterwards because I knew that the interpersonal skills got me to where I needed to be but ultimately the decision would come from the clarity that only wise mind can bring me. I observed the situation I was in, described it to myself and ultimately participated fully in it to see if this relationship was something that was hindering me or working with me. At times I strayed because I continued to focus on the other person’s feelings and like I mentioned already it’s important to be respectful. The thing I needed to figure out was how to manage maintaining my self-respect and being respectful as well. These two ideas aren’t as incongruent as some people make it seem.

It came down to holding a non-judgmental stance when observing, describing and participating in my thought process and deciding how to handle this break up. I could drive myself crazy by thinking about all the negative things that can come out of the conversation without arriving at a decision and sticking by it. I knew I had a habit of doing this hence setting a deadline of May 13th  and lucky for me I didn’t need to deadline. I boldly, bravely decided to do what was best for me and this person. Sometimes we’re only meant to be with each other for a stretch of time then move on and that’s okay. Let’s embrace the coming and goings of people from our lives regardless of how small or large a role they play in helping us achieve enlightenment and self-awareness.

Entry Twenty:

It has been a struggle to create a life worth living, but after the day I had I have a renewed sense of purpose. As I accompanied my mother to a doctor’s appointment and witnessed her having a panic attack due to her claustrophobia – I couldn’t stop but wonder the ways we train ourselves to react in any given situation. I have long thought about the nature vs. nurture debate. I speak for myself when I say that I do believe it is a combination of the two when it comes to pinpointing the reason I ended up with a mental illness and my siblings have not. I know that my genetic make up has made me more susceptible and that coupled with the invalidating environment I was raised in created the necessary conditions to nurture this major depression and borderline personality disorder.

As I watched my mother cry inconsolably for a few minutes I knew I didn’t want to get to the point where I developed phobias that prevented me from doing important things in life. In my mother’s case she couldn’t get into a machine that took pictures of her heart so they could determine if she has any issues, which is critical at this point because she’s nearing 60 and has been having chest pain on and off for weeks. After I saw the way depression has griped my mother I knew that I needed to get all the help necessary to stop myself from reaching the place she’s currently at. I need to continue to actively participate in my recovery. Some days it is easier to do this because I have a clear head and the confidence to go with it, but even when the bad days come I think that if I just put in the effort and continue to try to use skills then maybe I can get through it. I need to keep replacing negative self talk with more neutral language or at the very least let go of judgment and focus on purpose.

I have reached a point in my life where the people around me are trying to encourage me to take anti-depressants and while I have nothing against them (I have tried them in the past and didn’t like how they made me feel nor did I like the fact I was dependent on them) I know I have the strength to do this on my own. I am going through a rough patch and it doesn’t help that I’m not really where I want to be at this point in my life. I have friends, but it’s hard to get together with them when I need them. So basically I need to figure out how to tap into my resources so that I can place myself in a better place, which in my case means employed and back in the state I feel I actually belong in. There’s no place like your hometown with its warm memories and landmarks, but there’s no place like the city that stole your heart, the place you know gets you like nowhere else ever can.

Poem of the Month

The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon;
The winds that will be howling at all hours,
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers,
For this, for everything, we are out of tune;
It moves us not.–Great God! I’d rather be
A pagan suckled in a creed outworn;
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathèd horn.

The World is Too Much With Us by William Wordsworth

Entry Fifteen:

I keep asking myself the following questions: why is it easier to take care of myself when I am physically ill? Why do I struggle to take care of myself when  it’s an emotional/mental problem? I think that taking care of ourselves physically is common sense or at least we are made to believe it is. We rest. Drink more fluids. Take medicine. Growing up we were taught ways to take care of ourselves by our parents because they would take care of us when we sick. I recall getting chicken pox when I was a child and how attentive my mother was to helping me alleviate my symptoms. This is a prime example of how straight forward it was to take care of myself then and how I’ve been able to adopt some of those strategies as an adult

However, when it comes to emotional/mental illness we struggle with ways to alleviate the symptoms. It starts with the fact that we don’t always have all the tools necessary to feel better. There are expectations from ourselves and others for us to just “snap out of it” and I’ve discussed that before so I won’t go into it in more detail in this entry. I think that I need to remind myself (and it may be useful to others to remind themselves of this too) that we need to be loving and patient with ourselves. I need to stop listening to people who tell me I’m not doing enough to get better and just do what I need to for my own well-being.

Since I am sick I am mostly using the following DBT skill: PLEASE

• Treat Physical & Illness
• Eating balanced meal
• Avoid mood altering drugs
• Sleep
• Exercise

Hopefully I’ll be back on my feet soon. Again this skill may seen common sense to most people, but you’d be surprised how often we push ourselves to do more than we can then we end up making ourselves sicker in the process. In the meantime I’ll leave you with this thought provoking video. I think that if more people talked about mental illness the way this woman does we’d make such strides because more people would be empathetic and willing to help.

Entry Ten:

I think too much. I’m not talking about the rumination I mentioned in my previous post. I’m referring to my ability to over-analyze every situation I am presented in life. I’m the type of person who wants everything to mean something and I want to give every situation a significance in my life. I know that this causes a lot of problems for me because I look too deep into some things and end up getting hurt in the process. I get hurt because I mistakenly believe I know what something means when I don’t. I’ve been hurt so many times by people that I care about and claim to care about me too that I try to suss out their motives before they can inflict further injury.

I over-analyze as a defense mechanism but I’m getting better about digging too deep into things. Sometimes I end up projecting my desires onto someone else’s actions and end up making a mess of things. I ask a lot of questions because I’m a curious person. The person I ask the most questions to is myself and I’m always learning new things about myself as a result. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with over-analyzing when it’s done in the correct context. For example, in school you can over-analyze texts and write amazing papers as a result. This is rewarded in this context, but not so much in others.

I think the best skill to use when you think you’re over-analyzing is Mindfulness of Current Emotion. To observe, describe and participate in your emotions in a one-mindful, non-judgmental and effective way is difficult sometimes, especially when the emotions are considered painful like anger or sadness. It can also be difficult if the emotion is joy because you want to hold onto it. We’re not supposed to hold onto any emotions. They’re meant to come and go.

I have noticed that I tend to over-analyze situations and people when I’m feeling afraid or uncertain. I don’t know if I feel these emotions 100% of the time, but perhaps I should start recording situations in which I find myself over-analyzing everything to see if it’s a common occurrence. I must continue to remind myself that emotions have a function and not feel ashamed of myself for going a little overboard on the analyzing. As Plutarch once said, “The mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled.”