Entry One Hundred Nine:

I always forget the importance of vacations until I actually have one. I’m usually caught up in my day to day routine (saving, paying bills, planning for the future); sometimes stressed out of my mind, but sometimes not. What DBT had taught me is that I don’t take the time to self-reflect as much as I’d like to. I don’t always know how to relax, but when I stop overthinking it, that’s when I can truly enjoy the peace that comes with alone time.

This summer hasn’t been easy. I’ve struggled financially. I’ve struggled to care for family members. I’ve struggled to make progress when it comes to moving forward in my career and in my pursuit of further education. However, all these obstacles I’ve faced have taught me the importance of patience. I usually want to know the answer to things to badly, want to know how things will turn out that I don’t enjoy the moment.

This month has been all about learning what’s important. Correction: remembering what’s important because being put in a mental institution for a week gives you a new perspective on life. I continue to remind myself that I’m not in a race because I usually accomplish the goals I set out for myself, regardless of how long it takes to get there.

Poem of the Month:

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build’em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

If by Rudyard Kipling

Entry One Hundred Eight:

Unfortunately, I got into an altercation recently and I don’t know how long it’ll take me to recover from it. I don’t like fighting with family members, but I also don’t like it when family members take advantage of other family members. I understand that sometime we need help. I understand that things are tough in the world. The economy isn’t doing well. Money is tight. Many people working two or three jobs to make ends meet. It shouldn’t be this way but we also have to taper that with being responsible with our money.

There’s an important family event soon and my intent is to invite this relative to it. I don’t hold grudges. I don’t stay angry at people because I know that people make mistakes. I’m saddened that doing the right thing has possibly ended a relationship that I valued for good. I think my mother always feared this would happen. In the past she’s warned me about how easily things can fall apart and how trust is easily broken when someone hurts you.

I had to stand up to this person. Losing them is the price I had to pay apparently and even though I’m sick of these violent outbursts this relative has, I’m still willing to have them in my life. It’s just sad that they don’t see things the same way just because I called them out on some unacceptable behavior.

Entry One Hundred Seven:

I don’t understand how this is happening. So many people are dying. The nominees aren’t the best options for president. It seems like everything is going crazy. I’m sure there are some people who are convinced it’s the end of the world or something to that extent. The world isn’t safe, but as I listen to the different stories of events happening around me I can’t help but ask – was the world ever safe?

At some point in the 1980’s, my parents decided to have me. I don’t know what their motives were, but I think they must have felt that they could provide me with everything I could ever need. The world isn’t perfect or ideal for someone like me (someone with mental illness, queer, a person of color and a woman) but I have flourished regardless. I have found people I connect with and learned important lessons about love, loss and forgiveness.

Is evil necessary? Some people would say it is, but I don’t think it’s about that. I think that as a society we haven’t learned from our mistakes. We are stuck repeating certain cycles that don’t improve our lives. The habits we have only keep us trapped where we are but we don’t say anything because we’ve grown used to our circumstances. The minute society as a whole decides we are ready to make changes, that’s when it’s going to happen and it can’t be a small group that decides. It has to be a major scale movement and it has to be done out of love, not fear.

I keep breathing deeply, hoping this is a dream or something but this is reality. I have to make the best of what’s happening, even if it means pooling my resources and adapting to personal changes to survive.

Poem of the Month

I many times thought Peace had come
When Peace was far away —
As Wrecked Men — deem they sight the Land —
At Centre of the Sea —

And struggle slacker — but to prove
As hopelessly as I —
How many the fictitious Shores —
Before the Harbor be —

739 by Emily Dickinson

Entry One Hundred Six:

I have been using DBT skills for years and recent tragedies, it saddens me that I have to write those words over and over again, have taught me the importance of implementing those skills on a daily basis. We don’t know how much time we have left on this planet and it’s important to cherish every moment. I continue to think about simple ways that these skills could help anyone who stumbles across this blog by chance.

First, I want to let whoever is reading this know that you are worth a lot. You are important. Mental illness doesn’t define you. Mental illness might make it hard for you to function but it doesn’t make you weak and it certainly doesn’t make you crazy. Secondly, labels don’t define who you are. Labels are just societies ways of trying to figure out how to deal with us, but it has no bearing on the things we can accomplish and what we can learn if we take the time and effort into pursuing those dreams.

I have been using a lot of self soothe lately to keep a calm mind. It’s not easy. There are so many worries that go through my mind on a daily basis but I have to remind myself that mindfulness is the only way I can quiet those worries. Using the five senses is one of the most important ways I’ve found to get out of emotion mind and into wise mind.

No one is perfect. No one should strive for perfection. I think it’s a good idea to strive for a balance life and we all have different ideas of what that means. All paths are valid because we are all individuals.

Entry One Hundred Five:

This recent tragedy makes me think about all the things I want to accomplish, everything I hope to do and say. It saddens me that so many lives were cut short when all people wanted to do was have a fun night out. Ever since I heard the news about what happened in Orlando, I’ve been making sure I tell people how I feel about them more than usual, I spend time with people I care about and I do my best to help people as I am able.

I’m working on my novel and have a renewed sense of our short time in this world. I’m going to continue to work on revisions and I hope that it works out the way it’s supposed to. I’m a little nervous about how this summer is going to pan out but I’m taking it one day at a time, even though I know that I have so many things to accomplish and the funds I’m bringing home won’t be what I’m used to due to one of my jobs ending but continuing again in the fall.

I have a wedding to plan. I have fears that I won’t get to my wedding day with all the deaths happening around me lately, but I don’t want to rush this marriage because we have to save up for this special day. I’m torn between my desire to live life to the fullest, waiting for the right time for things to happen (and realize there is no such things) and enjoying the process. It’s a balancing act and I don’t know how I do it all.

All I currently know is that I’m scared but I won’t let that stop me from loving and living life as I was meant to. People who commit heinous crimes like that ones happening lately want us to be afraid, but I refuse to live in fear.

Poem of the Month

Each morning
I wake invisible.

I make a needle
from a porcupine quill,
sew feet to legs,
lift spine onto my thighs.

I put on my rib and collarbone.

I pin an ear to my head,
hear the waxwing’s yellow cry.
I open my mouth for purple berries,
stick on periwinkle eyes.

I almost know what it is to be seen.

My throat enlarges from anger.
I make a hand to hold my pain.

My heart a hole the size of the sun’s eclipse.
I push through the dark circle’s
tattered edge of light.

All day I struggle with one hair after another
until the moon moves from the face of the sun
and there is a strange light
as though from a kerosene lamp in a cabin.

I pun on a dress,
a shawl over my shoulders.

My threads knotted and scissors gleaming.

Now I know I am seen.
I have a shadow.

I extend my arms,
dance and chant in the sun’s new light.

I put a hat and coat on my shadow,
another larger dress.
I put on more shawls and blouses and underskirts
until even the shadow has substance

Solar Eclipse by Diane Glancy

Entry One Hundred Four:

Every month I experience new adventures. This month I encountered someone that made me question whether I wanted to continue at my place of work because of how terrible she made me feel. I took some time to think and realized that I couldn’t let one person affect me so deeply I would leave a job that I felt I was making an impact, even though I’m not appreciated as much as I deserve but that’s life. I don’t believe anyone truly gets the praise they deserve.

I think it’s important to stand up for yourself but balance that with picking your battles carefully. I realized that sometimes people start problems with others because they want to be heard, but don’t realize that they don’t need to treat someone unfairly just because they need to vent. I have learned time and time again that picking your battles is crucial and that silence is definitely golden. If I had spoken the words on my mind, the issue would have grown larger than necessary.

Sometimes it is wise to stand up for yourself by not continuing the confrontation. Sometimes the best course of action is letting the person speaking without interruption because some people don’t know how to be wrong, some people don’t know how to apologize, even if they don’t think they did anything wrong. I was temporarily distressed and I’m grateful I didn’t act out on that distress because it’s difficult to solve problems when in emotion mind.

Entry One Hundred Three:

There are many things in life we can’t change or avoid. We can’t avoid having our heart broken, losing loved ones to a variety of causes that ultimately lead to death, etc.

I know that I have wanted to change many things in my life and I am capable of that but there are limits to what I can and cannot change. I can change myself. I can change my surroundings, for the most part, but I cannot change what has already happened and I cannot change other people, no matter how hard I try.

A lot of the pain I have experienced in life is due to my unwillingness to accept change. It has stemmed from my unwillingness to accept reality and cling tightly to certain ideas or expectations. Sometimes I think I know what’s best for me and I make mistakes in the process. Other times I have good intentions but somehow things don’t turn out as expected. Recent events have made me realize that acceptance is hard but necessary to lead a fulfilling life. Accept doesn’t mean to stop striving for better. It doesn’t mean you grow complacent. It just means you understand and accept your reality then proceed to take steps to improve yourself if you wish to.